It gets overwhelming and exhausting to tell you the truth. I pick lovers out of pure desperation, for a sense of comfort, for a false sense of belonging and hope. I love the idea of love and what it stands for and represents, but I still have no real clear understanding or concept of what real love could possibly look or even feel like. So I don’t allow myself to love or feel because to do so requires a type of vulnerability. I would have to take my walls, barriers and this barricade that is wrapped around my heart so tight, that I’ve created and try and feel something anything at this point. But who wants to feel the hurt and pain of what love has to offer? And so I sit and think of what to do with this heart of mine.