Ice cold water, that’s what I needed as soon as I woke up from the very confusing and unanswered dream that I had. My head was still spinning and pounding, eyes were still puffy from make-up perhaps. Wait I was crying the night before. Pillow stained with tears and make-up. What a night, and what happened? That just doesn’t sound right. Then I felt my stomach twist and turn as I sat up on my bed. I can still taste the alcohol on my tongue; Vodka was the culprit that had my stomach in knots. Why could I not remember the events that had transpired the night before? Am I still drunk? Couldn’t possibly be that, right?
After pacing back and forth from room to room, trying to gather these thoughts that were so very troubling and burning a hole into me this morning. So instead, I’ve decided write it out, focusing very carefully on how I choose each word to write this blog that seems to have me exhausted. Then I realize what I’m about to write is a reality that I am not too sure I even want to read, write or even face at this particular moment. I take in a deep breath and remember the cold conversation the night before. Her words still sit with me as I try to figure out how someone so carelessly could forget about you. That all my efforts of trying to be her friend have been over looked. How is her heart so cold, damaged, tattered and broken that being her friend is something that is no longer an option.
Our conversations have turned cold, just like her heart. Then I remembered the reason for the late night phone call. Yes I was drunk and drunk calls are never what they turn out to be once you’ve awaken and realize what has been exchanged in that very moment. Hurt. She will never know how much I love her and I will never be able to tell her that. Instead of accepting the love I once had for her and was so willing to give, and would have dropped everything to love her, to be with her again. She pushes me away and lets me know how broken she is and how she is so over everyone and the world and cannot give me the type of love she wants so desperately to have. I could never make her whole, I could never love her again and I could never give her what it is she wants and I could never be in her life like she wanted, or how I had envisioned.
At that moment I realized all the feelings I once had for her, all those years all the emotions that were so real. Are now gone. That night, at that moment she helped me realized that no amount of love or care, or type of friendship I was to give her she was no longer the same person I once knew. Or better yet ever knew for that matter. I was living a lie, a fantasy of the hopes that She and I could one day be together, but when a broken heart so cold, broken tattered and bruised you’re unable to love and there is no real sense of duty on my end to try and help, save and fix us, ever again.
So I continue with this ice water, washing down the night of alcohol that is still in my system and taking over my every judgment, at this very moment. I understand and realize that I still have deep feelings for her and understand that I may never allow myself to remove you from my heart. As much as I want to forget who you ever were to me it’s an uphill battle that I need to no longer struggle with.
I need to finally release her from my heart and her allow her that happiness back into the world. I can no longer comfort a false reality I’ve played in my head. So I think it’s time, time to finally move on with my life.